Letting Go and Moving on
by SaraLyleth
Summary: What would have happened if Taylor had found out about the letter from Marissa during the Chrismukkah episode. How would she have reacted and what will Ryan do when he wakes up?


**Hey everybody!! So I just recently bought a new laptop and I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. I'm still figuring it out and when I was transferring stuff from my old one to the new one I found a one-shot that I wrote back when season four was still airing. I tweeked a few things but for the most part I left it as is. I am still working on a new story which I should post the first chapter this weekend. I hope you all enjoy this version of the Christmukkah episode.**

Taylor opened her eyes and blinked against the bright fluorescent lights. She was momentarily confused as to her where she was but then heard the continual beeping and realized she was in a hospital room. She heard somebody walking towards her and had to smile when she saw the concerned look on Kirsten's face.

"Taylor," Kirsten said covering her mouth with one hand. She was happy the young women had awaken but couldn't help but worry about Ryan who was still unconscious.

"Kirsten," Taylor said, her voice raspy with sleep. She looked around and saw Ryan lying in the bed next to hers. "Ryan!" she said loudly as she tried to sit up.

"Taylor," Kirsten said quickly, placing an arm across her chest to hold her down. "It's okay, he's okay. Calm down."

"But he's-" Taylor said but Kirsten cut her off.

"He's going to be okay," Kirsten said softly and calmly. She pressed the button on Taylor's bed to call the nurse's station. They would want to check Taylor out and make sure she was okay.

"Kirsten I'm so sorry," Taylor said quietly raising the hand without the IV to wipe away the tears that had started to fall. "So so sorry."

Kirsten opened her mouth to ask why but soon the room was full of nurses and the on call doctor who had admitted them. She watched as they checked all of Taylor's vitals and asked her random questions trying to see how bad her concussion was.

Kirsten walked over to stand by Ryan's beside and looked down at Ryan who looked so peaceful in his unconscious state. She smoothed the hair off his forehead and bent down to chastely kiss his forehead. He may be grown up and adult by the world's standards but in her eyes he was still the scared 16 year old kid Sandy had brought home. She just wished they could have found him sooner.

"Taylor's awake Ryan," Kirsten whispered to her son. "It's time to wake up."

"How long have we been out?" Taylor asked after everybody had left and they were alone.

"Hours," Kirsten said without looking away from Ryan. "Felt like days." She smoothed his forehead one more time before turning to face Taylor again who was sitting on the edge of her bed staring at Ryan. "Taylor…you said you were sorry before…about what?"

"It's my fault," Taylor said so softly Kirsten had to strain to hear her.

"What is?" Kirsten asked but she was afraid she already new the answer.

"Us being here," Taylor said gesturing to the hospital room. She clasped her hands in her lap and looked down at them before continuing. "It was stupid…I'm stupid."

"What happened today Taylor?" Kirsten asked her voice sharp.

Taylor winced at the harsh tone of voice coming from a woman who she'd come to admire and respect in the short month she'd gotten to know her. But she straightened her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes when she spoke. She was Veronica Townsend's daughter after all, she could handle a mad Kirsten Cohen any day.

"I showed up with his Christmas present…a George Foreman Grill because he likes lean meat but I'm sure you know that. I got the deluxe edition because it was for Ryan and I want him to have the best," she quit rambling when she realized Kirsten didn't really care about Ryan's Christmas present at the moment. "Anyways, I only went over today because I wanted him to invite me to Christmukkah. Seth and Summer have been talking about it for weeks and I wanted to go but I wanted Ryan to invite me…for him to want-"

"You wanted him to want you to be there," Kirsten said for her. "Taylor…as far as I know Ryan was going to invite you over." When Taylor looked at her with obvious confusion she added, "or at least that's what he told me."

"Well he changed his mind," Taylor said her feelings hurt even more if that was possible. At least before she thought he hadn't wanted her there because it was too fast but now he'd obviously changed his mind…probably because she was too forward. Showing up like she had wasn't exactly subtle.

"How did you both fall off the roof?" Kirsten asked crossing her arms over her chest. She still didn't know why both of them had been on the roof.

"I followed him up the ladder," Taylor said picturing the scene in her mind. "He was trying to be nice but he was obviously brushing me off…I've never taken rejection very well."

"I'm sure he wasn't rejecting you," Kirsten said walking over to stand beside her. She hated seeing anyone in pain and you could tell by the look in Taylor's eyes that she was in pain and Kirsten's son had put it there.

"He was," Taylor said shaking her head. "Uh…we were arguing when the ladder started falling backward and I screamed as I started falling."

"But Ryan?" Kirsten asked.

"He reached out to try and grab the ladder and instead followed it all the way to the ground," Taylor explained wincing as she climbed off the bed.

"Taylor you probably shouldn't move," Kirsten warned putting her hands out as if to stop her.

"No I'm okay," Taylor said even though her head was still throbbing and her right arm was a little sore. She got up and made her way over to Ryan and stared down at him. She wiped away her tears as they started falling continually down her face. She knew it was her fault that he was in that bed. If she had just walked away when he had said no then none of this would have happened.

Kirsten looked away when she saw the look on Taylor's face. It was a look filled with such love and pain at the same time. It was the look that had been on Ryan's face at Marissa's funeral. It was the look on Seth's face after the numerous times Summer and him had broken up. Taylor was in love with her son.

She walked out of the hospital room wanting to give Taylor a moment of privacy in case she wanted to say anything to Ryan that she couldn't with his Mother in the room. She leaned against the wall and took a deep breath but when she saw Veronica Townsend striding down the hall towards her with Julie and Kaitlyn trailing behind her she wished she had stayed in the room.

"Veronica," Kirsten said calmly as the overbearing woman stopped in front of her.

"Is my daughter in there?" Veronica asked motioning towards the hospital room next to them.

"Yes but-" Kirsten tried to say but Veronica nudged her aside well she walked in the room.

Kirsten exchanged a glance with Julie and they both walked into the room behind her, not wanting to leave Taylor alone to deal with her Mom. They both knew how she could be.

"You're awake!" Veronica cried out when she saw her standing beside Ryan's bed. "I only came here because Julie said you were in a coma. My flight to Cabo was tonight Taylor."

"Taylor didn't pick today to land in a coma on purpose Veronica," Julie said sticking up for the girl she'd come to know in the past month. She would never admit it out loud but Taylor was how she wished Marissa could have turned out. She was a girl with the biggest heart and she had more courage than any other person Julie knew. She hadn't had many breaks in her life and she'd landed on her butt a lot lately but she never let that stop her from getting back up. She admired her.

"I should have known something like this would happen," Veronica said ignoring Julie's remark. "You can't stand it that I'm finally happy, can you?"

"I'm sorry Mom," Taylor said quietly looking down at her hands when everybody turned to look at her. "They shouldn't have bothered you."

"Yes well," Veronica said a little surprised herself to see her daughter so composed.

"I'm sure you can still catch a flight to Cabo tonight," Taylor pointed out.

Veronica stared at her daughter and saw her for the first time in years. She was standing in front of her in one of those hideous hospital gowns with her hair in tangles around her face. She looked the same as the last time she saw her but something was different. When she couldn't put her finger on the change, she finally nodded her head and walked out of the room pulling her cell phone out so she could call the airline.

"Why that woman ever procreated is a mystery to me," Julie commented causing everyone to laugh, even Taylor.

"Are you okay?" Kaitlyn asked Taylor.

"I'm fine," Taylor said smiling at her. "I feel stupid for falling off a ladder. Do you know the statistic for accidents involving a ladder?"

"No, but I'm sure you do," Kaitlyn said rolling her eyes. Taylor did know a lot of strange things.

Julie and Kirsten smiled as Taylor lectured Kaitlyn on ladder safety. Kirsten tapped Julie's arm and led the way out to the hallway so they could talk privately. She pulled the envelope the nurse had given her earlier from her pocket and held it in her hands as she stared at the woman who had somehow become her best friend.

"The nurses gave this to me, one of the paramedics found it in the truck," Kirsten said holding it out to Julie.

Julie looked at her confused until she read the name on the return address. The tears started welling up and there was no way she was going to be able to hold them back. Just reading Marissa's name on a letter she'd mailed before she died brought all of the past six months rushing back.

"What does it say?" Julie whispered staring at the envelope like it was going to bite her.

"I don't know," Kirsten replied. "I didn't read it but Ryan did…I think it might have something to do with him not wanting to wake up." She looked down at the letter before motioning for Julie to take it. "I'm sure Ryan wouldn't mind you reading it."

"Thank you Kirsten," Julie said wiping away her tears with one hand as she took the letter with the other. She held it close to her chest and she knew it was impossible but just by holding a letter her daughter had written she felt like she was there.

"Ryan got a letter from Marissa," Taylor said softly from the doorway. Kirsten winced as she turned to face Taylor.

"How is that even possible?" Kaitlyn asked confused stepping out from behind Taylor.

"I'm assuming it got lost in the mail," Kirsten explained.

"Oh…morbid huh," Kaitlyn said making a face. She turned to see if Taylor agreed with her but she was gone. "Taylor?"

They all heard the bathroom door shut and took a second to look at one another before speaking. "What does the letter say?" Kaitlyn asked curiously as she followed Julie down the hall to the waiting room where they could read it together.

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Taylor closed the bathroom door behind her and leaned back against the door. She dropped the pile of clothes she'd picked up from the table fall to the floor and just let the tears fall. She'd been holding them in since seeing Ryan laying in the bed beside her. He wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her stupidity. She was constantly messing up around him.

"I'm so stupid," Taylor said softly to herself as she remembered all the dumb things she'd said to him while he'd been trying to politely tell her to go away. She was being honest when she told Kirsten that she didn't handle rejection very well. Her therapist had told her it had to do with being rejected by her Dad at such a young age and that her barracuda of a Mother didn't help things. But being rejected by Ryan hurt more than she could say

She'd known Ryan for almost two years and had never imagined being in a relationship with him. But then he'd kissed her. Now Taylor had had her fair share of kisses from guys but nothing could compare to that brief kiss he'd given to her that night. He'd opened up a door for her.

So she lied to him…over and over. First telling him that she didn't like him like that, when she did. Then telling him that she wasn't ready for anything serious, which she was. She'd even had a whole speech prepared for if he didn't invite her to Christmukkah. But when it became obvious he didn't want her over for the holiday, she flipped out. She couldn't lie anymore. It hurt too much to keep her feelings for him hidden.

Taylor stood up and stared into the mirror and closed her eyes at the image that stared back at her. Who was she kidding, she'd told Seth back when she'd started that whole sleep therapist thing that the only reason he didn't see them together was because she was no Marissa. And looking into the mirror she knew she couldn't even compare.

Marissa had been perfect. She'd had the perfect family, the perfect looks, the perfect wardrobe, the perfect best friend and even the perfect boyfriend at one time. The only thing Taylor had that could compete with that list was having a new best friend but she didn't think it was fair to count that because she'd been Marissa's best friend first.

Taylor slipped out of the far to revealing hospital gown and started pulling on her clothes. She had hoped she could be waiting by Ryan's bed when he woke up. She wanted to be the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes but after finding out about that letter, there was no way she could stay.

Ryan was still in love with Marissa. Seth had warned her from the beginning that Ryan wasn't ready but once she got an idea in her head, you couldn't get her to change her mind. They did call her stubborn for a reason. But this was one battle she couldn't win and she didn't even want to try anymore.

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Kirsten walked back into the room and stood beside Ryan's bed and wished that he was awake so he could talk to Taylor. It didn't matter what Julie or Kirsten said, Taylor was smart enough to realize that Ryan had changed his mind about being with her because of that letter. Kirsten loved Taylor, she even saw a little of herself in her with always trying to fix things, a people pleaser.

She turned when the door opened and froze as Taylor walked out of the bathroom fully dressed in the clothes she'd been wearing when they'd admitted her. "What are you doing?"

"Going home," Taylor said softly glancing at Ryan to see if he'd moved or shown any signs of waking up. "Wait…I don't even have a home," she added closing her eyes when even more tears started welling up. She saw Kirsten open her mouth to say something but held up a hand to stop her. "No don't say anything. I'm not one to wallow or self pity, mainly because it's never gotten be anywhere. So chalk this up to my having a concussion and being over emotional."

"Taylor," Kirsten said walking towards her. "I know Ryan will want to see you when he wakes up. You can't leave like this."

"I'm not who he wants here Mrs. Cohen," Taylor said formally. Since she'd started this whole debacle with Ryan she'd called his parents by their first names but now that it was over, she didn't feel she had the right. "And we both know that."

"Taylor this isn't fair," Kirsten said trying to plead Ryan's case. "He's not even awake to stick up for himself."

"I may not have read the letter so I don't know what it says," Taylor said softly from the doorway. "But the fact that he had it on him and after reading it he'd changed his mind about wanting me over for the holiday….speaks louder than anything he could say."

Kirsten stood there staring at the doorway and blinked back her own tears. She never should have given Julie that letter with Taylor around. She may not know what Ryan had been thinking when he'd read that letter but she did know her son well enough to say that he wouldn't want Taylor to leave like this. But she didn't know the words to stop her.

"Kirsten," Julie said walking into the room. She was followed by Sandy, Seth, Summer and Kaitlyn who were carrying bags of food into the hospital room. "Where's Taylor?"

"Gone," Kirsten said walking into Sandy's open arms.

"Gone where?" Kaitlyn asked looking into the empty bathroom.

"I don't know," Kirsten admitted. "She was upset about the letter." When everybody but Julie and Kaitlyn looked confused she explained about the letter the nurse had given her earlier. "So she took that as a sign that Ryan wouldn't want her here."

"What did…what did the letter say?" Summer asked softly stumbling over the words a bit. It still hurt that her best friend from kindergarten was gone and even talking about her still brought tears to her eyes.

"She was going to leave," Julie explained.

"We knew that," Seth said confused.

"No, leave for good," Kaitlyn said taking over the explanation. "It seems Marissa did have a brain after all." She glared at her Mom when she opened her mouth. She had kept her mouth shut about Marissa and what she truly thought of her for years but now she was going to speak her mind. "My sister single handedly had this whole town fooled. Everybody worshiped her…ever her parents."

"Kaitlyn," Julie warned.

"This needs to be said Mom," Kaitlyn said crossing her arms over her chest. "Marissa was an operator. She knew how to manipulate everybody around her and she did it so well nobody had a clue. A part of me thinks I should admire her for that except I saw the damage she inflicted. I was never happier than when my parents sent me to boarding school because then I didn't have to watch everybody fall all over themselves trying to please her."

"Kaitlyn," Summer said wanting her to stop. Marissa had been her best friend, she'd loved her for years as her only sister by choice instead of blood. But Kaitlyn was painting a picture that was far too close to the truth. "Please stop."

"There's just one more thing," Kaitlyn said smiling for the first time since they'd walked back into the room. "Marissa had one last redeeming quality…she finally admitted her mistakes." With that said she handed the letter that she'd been keeping in her purse for further inspection later that night to Summer so she could read it before turning and leaving the room.

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Ryan opened his eyes and his first thought was his head hurt like hell. His second thought he spoke out loud, "Where's Taylor?"

"Ryan," Kirsten said her relief evident in her voice. She strode towards him from her position at the window along with Sandy. Seth and Summer were already sitting beside his bed both reading a People magazine.

"Hey buddy," Seth said smiling for the first time since he'd heard his brother had fallen from the roof. "So it turns out your head really is hard as granite."

"Taylor?" Ryan asked again. He opened and closed his eyes a couple times but he kept seeing her face before she'd fallen beneath the ladder. She'd been utterly terrified and she'd reached out for him and he hadn't caught her. He looked around the room but didn't see her anywhere. "Where is Taylor?"

"She's okay Ryan," Summer said softly bending down so she was talking closer to him. "She woke up over an hour ago."

"Woke up?" Ryan asked confused. He looked at all of them before staring into Sandy's eyes. If there was one person who was always with him it was Sandy, his father. So without asking out loud he asked with his eyes for him to explain.

Sandy sighed. "Ryan, you and Taylor were in accident. Do you remember what happened?"

"We fell off the room," Ryan said furrowing his brow. He knew all this but what he didn't know was where Taylor was and how she was doing.

"Yeah…ah…you both fell into a coma," Sandy said grabbing a hold of his wives hand. He still felt that first rush of fear when she'd called him from the house and told him she'd found their son unconscious on the patio. "They assured us you were fine but you just had to wake up." Sandy exchanged a look with Kirsten before adding, "Taylor woke up and left a little bit ago. But I assure you she's fine and probably resting just like you need to do."

"That's a bunch of bull and you know it," Kaitlyn said standing in the doorway. Her Mom had gone home hours ago with the letter, probably wishing her favorite daughter was still alive and that Kaitlyn was still off in boarding school. Oh she knew her Mother loved her but Marissa had always been first in her eyes, it was just the way it was.

"Kaitlyn," Ryan said turning his head quickly but he winced and closed his eyes at the flare of pain that quick movement sent rushing through his head.

"Taylor is not okay," Kaitlyn said walking farther into the room so she could stand at the end of his bed. "She's hurt and angry and I can't say I blame her."

"What…" Ryan said finally finding the button that made his bed sit him up for him. He could finally see into Kaitlyn's eyes and he wondered at the anger he saw blatantly shining from them.

"Are you still in love with Marissa Ryan?" Kaitlyn asked point blank causing everybody except Ryan and herself to quit breathing and stare at Ryan waiting for the answer.

"I don't see how that's any of your business," Ryan said confused. His feelings for Marissa were messy and complicated and he hadn't even sorted them all out yet.

"Because if you are," Kaitlyn said as if he hadn't said anything, "you're retarded." She crossed her arms over her chest and arched one eyebrow as she added, "Cause Marissa didn't love you. Marissa only loved herself and that was only on her good days which were few and far between these past couple years."

"You shouldn't talk about her that way," Ryan said quietly even though a part of him knew she was speaking the truth.

"Why? We both know it's the truth," Kaitlyn stated simply. "Now I don't think you're retarded. I think you're feeling guilty and you shouldn't be. You were never meant to save my sister Ryan."

Ryan felt a flash of a memory or something of Taylor saying the same thing to him at one time. He didn't know if it had really happened or if it was a dream but he knew for a fact she'd said those words to him at one point.

"I know," he said surprising everyone, even Kaitlyn. He looked at Summer and knew they were both letting go of any guilt either one of them felt for having lived while someone very close to them hadn't. "Do you know where she is Kaitlyn?"

"No," Kaitlyn said honestly. "But she doesn't have many places to go. Her Mom's gone off to Cabo and Mom said she's not at Mr. Robert's house."

Ryan sat up fully and motioned Seth and Summer back so he could put his legs over the side of the bed while he waited for the room to stop spinning. He pressed the nurse's call button. The sooner they checked him out and released him the sooner he could apologize to someone who didn't deserve to be treated the way he'd been treating her.

"Ryan…I don't think you should do this right now," Kirsten said worried about him. He'd just woken up from a short coma but that was sure to impair his judgment a bit. She had no problem with him making up with Taylor but he should at least wait a couple hours so they knew he was truly okay.

"I have to," Ryan said sitting up straighter when the nurse came walking in.

It took almost half an hour for him to get is walking papers. They had wanted to keep him over night, along with Taylor but with Sandy saying they'd watch them both like a hawk all night they'd released him after voicing one more objection.

"How are you going to find her?" Summer asked once he climbed into Sandy's car with Kirsten and Kaitlyn in the backseat.

"I don't know," Ryan admitted. He kept trying to think of a place she would go where she thought nobody would think of to look for her.

"Would she go home?" Kirsten asked but then clarified when Ryan looked at her obviously confused. "I mean her Mom's home. Would she go there knowing Veronica's in Cabo?"

"I don't think so," Ryan said slowly. "She hated that house, called it a mausoleum."

"What about the diner?" Kaitlyn asked. "Nobody goes there this late and it's open 24 hours."

"Maybe," Ryan said and he sat back and tried to stay calm and relaxed as Sandy drove him towards the diner. He kept worrying about Taylor's state of mind. He hadn't exactly been nice to her before their accident and then to find out about the letter the way she had, he didn't like knowing she was thinking something that wasn't true. He wasn't still in love with Marissa.

"There she is," Kaitlyn said getting excited as she saw her through the front window.

Ryan stared at Taylor's profile and he couldn't help but smile when he saw her talking animatedly to one of the waitresses. He climbed out of the car without saying anything to Sandy or Kirsten.

"Don't mess this up Atwood!" Kaitlyn yelled as she rolled down the window.

He just raised his hand to show her he heard her loud and clear but soon he was walking into the diner and stood in the entryway staring at Taylor who was still talking to the waitress.

"You can't let him treat you like that Amanda," Taylor said scooting forward as she offered her advice. "You deserve to be number one."

"Speaking from experience," Ryan said walking towards her. He watched as she froze and turned to stare at him. He saw the relief in her eyes before she put up a wall that blocked her emotions from him. It hurt that she was even capable of hiding her feelings from him, usually she was like an open book.

"Hello Ryan," Taylor said after she braced herself for another one of his famous 'it's not you, it's me' lines.

"Hello Taylor," Ryan said copying her tone of voice perfectly. He smiled at the waitress and asked for a milkshake mainly so they could have some privacy for at least a couple minutes.

"What are you doing here?" Taylor asked bluntly.

"I was worried about you," Ryan admitted softly.

"As you can see I'm fine…so," Taylor said trying to subtly tell him to get lost. Ryan didn't take the hint.

"Why'd you leave the hospital Taylor?" Ryan asked clasping his hands on the table.

"I didn't see a reason to stay," Taylor said but as soon as it was out she groaned and covered her face with her hands. "That's not true. I wanted to stay…it was hard to leave."

"Then why'd you go," Ryan said.

"I just…look Ryan," she said finally getting her thoughts in order so she could speak honestly to him. "I know I've been pursuing you with a single mindedness that borders on stalking sometimes and you've tried to politely tell me to go away. I just have a hard time taking a hint…but I get it…okay."

"I don't see how you could when I don't even get it," Ryan said sitting back. "I like you Taylor. A lot." When she rolled her eyes he sat forward once again and covered her hands with his. "I do. I don't make out with just any girl in her closet Taylor."

"Making out is easy Ryan," Taylor pointed out. "Sharing moments and….holidays is the hard stuff."

"You're right," Ryan agreed. "Taylor, I was going to invite you over tonight for Christmukkah."

"I know you were," Taylor said surprising him. "Kirsten told me."

"But then I got that letter," Ryan said bringing the dreaded subject up. "It threw me Taylor. I was finally…I thought I was moving on. I was seeing you and I wasn't having nightmares anymore. I actually went days without even thinking about her. But then I checked the mail and that letter brought it all crashing back."

"I'm sure it did," Taylor said softly. "But you could have told me about the letter Ryan."

"I know I should have," Ryan agreed. "But I had only just finished reading it when you showed up unexpectedly I might add. I hadn't even finished dealing with it yet and you were there." He stared into her eyes when he added, "I'm not in love with Marissa….I'll always love her but I've moved on. This whole fiasco showed me that."

"Seth did say Christmukkah was all about miracles," Taylor said smiling for the first time.

"I'm sorry for handling everything badly," Ryan apologized.

"I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions," Taylor said. She looked around at the empty diner except for themselves and smiled as Amanda, the only waitress on duty, waved to her from the kitchen. "I don't think you'll be getting your milkshake anytime soon."

Ryan looked back and saw the empty counter and turned back to Taylor with a smile. "That's okay," he said squeezing her hands before letting go. "I'll share yours."


End file.
